La Nausée. And Online Dating.

I am a sick man … I am an angry man. I am an ugly man. I believe my liver is diseased. Actually no I don’t. I’m just showing off. Yes. With that endearing mix of self-loathing and self-aggrandisement, plus a quote from Dostoyevsky, it must be another journal entry from your favourite periodical Online Dating is Shite.

But I am sick. Really quite sick. I have THE BOWL next to my bed.

Before you all send flowers, or congratulate yourself on having correctly cast the hexing spell, I am feeling a little bit better. Thank you.

There was a moment on Saturday morning, however, when I would have gladly exchanged a toe, no TWO toes, for another hour in bed, but my son got me out of my sorry pit to play Robin Hood. I tried all the old favourites; “Next week, I promise” through to “Go down and put the TV on and I’ll be down in a minute”, finally down to “Here’s the iPad. And my phone. And the iTunes password”. All failed miserably.

So we settled for playing the bit where Robin dies. He lies on his deathbed and fires his last arrow out of the window. Where ever it lands, that is where he is to be buried. I was Robin Hood.

There is a lot to be said for a bout of something nasty. It reduces the parameters. Your normal landscape draws down to an intimate knowledge of the bumps on the ceiling of your sickroom, and which parts of your pillow are the coolest. And not in a nightclub way, either.

Twenty-four hours ago, it was wonderful: I only had to close my eyes and straight away my head would start buzzing like a beehive: I could recapture the taste of couscous, the smell of olive oil which fills the streets of Burgos at mid-day; I was moved. This joy was worn out a long time ago, is it going to be reborn today?

Actually, no. I’m showing off again. That whole paragraph was Sartre. And I fucking hate couscous. But Jean-Paul knew a thing or two about Nausea. I mean, he went out with Simone de Beauvoir.

At weekends I like to draw all the consequences from a position of consistent atheism.  And going for long country walks.
At weekends I like to draw all the consequences from a position of consistent atheism. And going for long country walks.

The way it creeps up on you. How it installs itself cunningly. Little by little.

And suddenly you know if you see another LifeLiver77, or Cuddle_Bucket, you are going to puke your hot snaking guts all over the keyboard.

Time to reduce your parameters. Time to love the REAL people in your life for a bit.

Don’t worry. You’ll feel better soon.

You’ll be logging on again in a few days.


ps  You know, I think it’s only jumping the shark if you come back down again afterwards.

7 thoughts on “La Nausée. And Online Dating.

  1. I’m so glad you mentioned Dostoevsky, because I was having a freaky deja vu moment at the beginning of your post. I’m currently reading Notes from the Underground and still, for just a moment, could not recall where I’d heard your opener before. My brain is shite and I’m not even sick. Hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I really like your blog. And you can’t get much more help on keeping hold of the ‘self’ than reading ‘Notes from the Underground’. I’m extremely flattered that you found me. I’m glad I found you too.


      • Thanks for the kind words on the blog. I have to say, reading Notes is a hard slog, but I just finished Joyce’s Portrait of an Artist, so I may have reached my limits on navel-gazing classics for a time. Just started Anthony Doerr’s All the Light We Cannot See and wow, that is some gorgeous, sparse writing.


    • Tim. Your bio is intriguing. You are right to look for the mystical in Dostoyevsky. In as much as you are right to look for the mystical in anyone. I think we both probably appreciate the planned three-month Honeymoon which lasted four years. I also find much to learn in his gambling problems, and his absurd liaisons with the women he fancied (pestered?), which made him write grumpy letters until his death. He is large enough for everyone. Good luck with the wandering prophet thing.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I read Jean-Paul Sartre’s LE NAUSEE many years ago. At the time, I read a lot of Albert Camus, Andre Gide and Sartre (I read Sartre’s trilogy). Later I started reading Dostoyevsky. Soon after I became a Christian and my life changed for the better.

    So my life is much simpler now. I don’t read a lot of books like I used to (literature, philosophy, history), but I do read a lot of blogs. I will hitchhike someplace and hang out at the library and catch up on my blogs, camp out someplace and hit the road again.

    My life is very blessed. The Lord has done some very powerful things in my hitchhiking travels around the United States.

    “Three Dollars in Whitehall, Montana”

    Liked by 1 person

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