Hello. Excuse me. I’m here on official business.
I can’t help but notice that you, Madam, are biting your lower lip and nodding. Rather excessively. And laughing, too. At the most god-awful shit.
And you, Sir. You appear to be curling yourself around the table like some sort of fucking contortionist. And you’ve just dropped your 90k Land Rover into the conversation.
In short, I believe that you are both colluding on an online date and, therefore, have come to my attention as an Officer of the Online Dating Police.
I must caution you both now. Everything you say here will be recorded and held against you by either aggrieved party. You Sir; please don’t insinuate that you are actually interested in understanding this woman. We both know that’s a pack of fibs.
And Miss, can we admit that you were only dumped last weekend by that aspiring actor? And that this whole thing will ultimately be a point-scoring exercise against the universe? I know you hurt. But don’t take it out on this poor fella. He hasn’t had sex since 2011, and he’ll be dazzled by the first pair of bare shoulders he sees. And, actually, that actor was a bit of a nob, wasn’t he? We both know that. And he made you feel fat.
In fact, could I just …
[motions to uniformed partner in the adjacent bar]
… yes. I’d like to bring in these earlier offenders we caught trying to get the bus back to her place.
Look. This young man is quite an able lover, and he is self-absorbed to the point of not actually noticing when you dump him.
You. Universe lady with the actor grind. I want you to take him home. He’ll make you feel better, and then he’ll go on his jolly way afterwards, so that you can keep thinking of yourself as a victim, and not a terribly casual shagger.
You my friend. Yes you. Lucky escape I’d say. I’m going to put you with her. She’s just come out of a bad marriage, and will fall for the first man to gently remove her briefs. That needs to be you, sonny. But not tonight. Both of you are worth more than that. You are equally fragile, and extremely loving. You really shouldn’t be out on your own. And certainly not in the company of these people.
Move along, please.
And walk the streets safely. I’ll be watching.
[turns to camera]
I’ll especially be watching YOU.