Now I like a bit of Anglo-Saxon. I like words like dim, and glimmer, and ruin. I like the part of our language that splashed out of a longboat on a misty morning, sword in hand, and with ruthless thoughts of animal husbandry heavy on its heathen mind.
And I like the word ‘fuck’. A lot. A fucking lot. A fucking load.
Not so much as a verb, more as a standalone. I like it used joyously by my correspondents, like the rather fantastic person who wrote to me yesterday, “I fucking love Vikings!”. Yeah! I fucking love ’em too!
I immediately know that we’re going to get on; it’s like they’ve secretly daubed a chalk mark outside their house, indicating to me that all brethren are welcome. In fact, I think I’m going to institute a yearly award. Call it the Penelope Skinner award for the most poetic use of the word ‘fuck’.
I love the Skinner Sisters. No, I fucking love the Skinner Sisters*. Have I mentioned that? Almost as much as I love Aragorn. The fact that there are two of them makes the world a doubly happy place.
[gazes smiling somewhere over your left shoulder, until you feel inclined to clear your throat] …
Ummm … Sorry – yes, where was I? Oh yes. Sorry. The word ‘fuck’. Yes.
Now. Because I talk in my own awkward way about ‘dating’, and enthusiastically use the word ‘fuck’, I get a lot of stuff sent to me from other sites that use those two words a lot. Except, yep, not quite in the same context.
Jesus Creeping Christ, there’s some horrible stuff out there. For instance, one guy is telling me to use my STATUS and DOMINANCE to get sexual acts performed upon my person. I mean, my status currently reads, “Sunday! Another veggie pizza and four-pack of Carlsberg from the garage :)”. I’m not sure how that will work.
Another advises that at a first date, I should always have my SEX LOCATION already worked out, and that whilst taking you there, I should play-fight, because my PLAYFUL AGGRESSION will TURN YOU ON [looks confused and appalled].
I get tips on how to get your kids out of the house, and then how to get me out of your house, presumably after you’ve performed the above mentioned act. Which I happily coerced you into.
But also, and this is the point, that I should use f**k, instead of Fuck, because it WILL OFFEND WOMEN [outright belly laughs].
Christ up a tree.
I do. I Really do. I try to explain it to them, but apparently I’m a prude, not being honest as a post-liberal man, and obviously not getting laid (actually one of those is true). I’m a broke-ass bitch. A ninety-nine percenter. I let women keep me down. I mean, these guys wear shades, and quote Tyler Durden from Fight Club. The implication is that I’m not very Rock n’ Roll.
OH FUCKING REALLY?
Because, my friend, in any stand-up rock n’ roll deathmatch, you and all of your mates are going to come a very poor fucking second. Have you read nothing else here? Look into these eyes. I won’t even have to break a fucking sweat. Amateur.
I mean, it’s not a healthy thing to serial date for a long time. It’s like therapy. I don’t want to hear that you’ve been proudly doing it for twenty years and counting; I would much rather hear that you did it for 18 months, and now you’re much better, thank you. Online dating is that nasty, awkward thing you have to do before you get to the good stuff. You need to get past it, quick. Like the pilot episode of Fortitude.
And it doesn’t even sound as if you like women. You define every encounter and relationship with them as combative, or something that you need to ‘win’. You seem happy with manipulation. And subterfuge.
I mean, why even date? There are massage parlours for people like you. And, actually [gets calculator out] yes; would probably be more economic, on a per-month basis, than Guardian Soulmates. And at least they wouldn’t have to listen to your blistering crap.
If you’re going to be that shit-mouthed offensive about women, why are you worried about actually spelling out the word FUCK? I would rather have one good honest ‘fuck’ than any of the wank you’re selling. And you can take that in any way you want.
*all views on Penny & Ginny Skinner are entirely the author’s.